To Nurse or Not to Nurse That is the Question

I wrote this after I had Annaliese (baby #2) and I was really struggling with nursing as you will see as you read. I pulled it out last week when mastitis struck and nursing was awful, it always seems to help me! My fever hit and flu like symptoms began the day after my mom left.
After I wrote this I thought some of you might be in the same boat with me or about ready to get on the boat or maybe someday will be on the boat or maybe just got off or got off along time ago but still will find this helpful for you or for someone else you know.

To nurse or not to nurse, that is the question, that I along with many other mothers ask ourselves on an hourly basis when we have a nursing baby that seems to be sucking everything out of us from our brain to our toes. We ask ourselves this question after many sleepless nights, when we could otherwise have our husbands help or after not being able to go shopping or run errands for more than two or three hours at a time. We ask ourselves this question when our husbands are holding the baby and they are ready to be relieved and they say "the baby is hungry I don't have the equipment, even though they just ate 20 minutes ago. It is the ultimate excuse for anyone who is tending to a nursing baby that does not want to do so anymore. Tristan our four year old has already learned this trick. This is the question we ask ourselves when we want to spend an evening out with our husband, but it can't be too long because we have to be back to nurse or we have to take the baby with us. This is the question we ask ourselves when none of our shirts fit and we are just tired of having boobs the size of Dolly Parton or so it feels. This is the question we ask ourselves when we have found our lunch in the microwave at dinner time stuck to the plate because it has been reheated three times and we still have not had anything to eat. This is the question we ask ourselves when we get mastitis and our boobs feel as if they have rocks in them and you want absolutely nothing to touch them. Yes you are more busty than ever and more appealing to your husband than ever, but everyone stay far far away! This is the question we ask when our nipples are so sore you have to scream every time the baby latches on. This is the question we ask when after nine months, dang I just want to wear a normal bra (if anyone has ever found a cute pink nursing bra please let me know). THis is the question you ask yourself when you are still leaking milk and having to wear breast pads that make it look as if you have two bulls-eyes on your shirt or you forgot to wear your breast pads that day and have to spill water all over your shirt so it won't look obvious that it is your leaky boobs making your shirt wet. This is the question we ask ourselves when our baby seems to have been attached to us the entire day. This is the question we ask ourselves when we want to go to wedding by ourselves or go on a road trip without having to stop. This is the question we ask ourselves when we want to be at the beach longer than three hours without having to nurse the baby under a blanket in the hot sun and feel uncomfortable doing it. This is the question we ask ourselves when we just want to have one day to ourselves. This is the question we ask when we just don't feel well and don't want anybody to need us. This is the question we ask ourselves when we have just been touched too much that day. This is the question we ask ourselves when we have been trying to get out of the house for an hour and we are now going to be late. This is the question we ask ourselves when our baby has the loudest gas ever that can be mistaken as your own because who would ever guess a little baby could have such noises come out of them. This is the question we ask when we have had to change our babies clothes for the fifth time today because of the explosive poopies. This is the question we ask ourselves when we want to nurse our baby and there is no where to sit except on the toilet because many places are not nursing friendly. This is the question you ask yourself when sitting in the mall and you have people giving you bad looks (this is when you tell people you will see more of womans body in bathing suit than you will see on a modestly nursing mother) This is what you ask yourself when you have a screaming/hungry baby in the car and you just wish you could pass your boob back for them to nurse. This is what you ask yourself when you want to get away for your anniversary with your hubby just for one night or go on a retreat by yourself so you can concentrate better. This is the question you ask yourself when you have other children wanting your attention, dinner to cook before your hubby gets home and house that is turned inside out. It seems impossible that God could really want this and then I realized that it is exactly what God wants because he wants the best for my babies and that is the best I can give them. I thought last night, My goodness I am so tired and feeling so crummy, how could this be, aren't I supposed to feel great and love doing this? My husband brought me back to a statue, a statue that can be found in St. Peters Basilica, the statue that displays the virtue of charity. The statue is of a woman breastfeeding a really fat baby, with more rolls than the Michelin man, and there are several other small children at her feet. My husband brought me back to this image and reminded me of the wise words of a very holy priest who said, this is the ultimate act of charity for a woman, the act of breastfeeding. The giving of oneself to their baby on demand especially when speaking of a young baby who do not have wants, but have needs that need to be met. Rather than describing it so delicately my reply is, "you mean a demanding baby?" I realized that yes, this demand that these children place on us is for our holiness. So the real question for me now is not "to nurse or not to nurse", but to be holy or not to be holy. I can't control my baby and I am not supposed to, but I have to be flexible enough to love my baby with everything I have or rather with the love of God, which is always available and always ready. I figure I have two options here to go nutso or become holy. I will go nutso with lots of little kids and nursing babies if I do it myself, but if I do it with God I will become holy.