A glimpse into my heart...a struggling heart...a heart that is always learning because I am always falling...so far I continue to get up and try and again and learn from my mistakes. I do make the same mistakes often so I pray to persevere. The battle is constant and it is monotonous.
A few weeks ago Branden and I were disagreeing and he said to me "Do you really love me or do you only love the things you can control about me". I stopped dead in my thoughts and words and stood dumbfounded that my husband had in all seriousness just asked me that obscene hurt my pride and my heart question. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. I left the argument in silence and went about my day contemplating those words. They really bothered me a lot and in prayer I began to realize he was right. This is exactly what I wrote to him in response after really thinking and praying about what he said.
You made a good point when you said you do not feel like I love you except in things that I can control. Unfortunately, you are right. The thing I would love the most is to be loved by you and ironically that is the very thing that I can't control at all. Love is freely given. Love cannot be controlled because that is in fact not Love at all, that is why God gave us free will so that we could choose to love. So in fact the thing I want the most cannot be achieved by anything I want you to do or control you to do it is a spontaneous act of your will to love me, not a Lauri controlled act. How deceiving love is and so often I fall for the path of control and manipulation. This is what happened during the fall of Eve women became controlling. It is inherent in me to want to control you and it is something I must strive to conquer because at the very depth of me as a woman I am seeking and yearn to be loved, but controlling and love are complete opposites and so contrary to one another. When trying to control everyone and everything there is no love from the other person that can be found, but in letting go of the control and loving the person for who they are and for their choices both good and bad for their qualities both good and bad and by not trying to change the person to be who I want them to be, but allowing them to become at their own pace or God's pace who God wants them to be. Maybe my vision of who I want you to be conflicts with Gods or maybe it is spot on, but neither matters at all because my primary concern should be with myself and making myself to be the best image of me. I do know that the controlling and manipulative woman I am is not who God wants me to be. I am sorry.
ahhh, I feel you sister. I struggle with this too. I know it, God knows it, but when another human calls you out, it is piercing. I'll pray for you, you pray for me?
ReplyDeleteWhat wise and humble words. So glad that you sought God's counsel in the face of Branden's question, rather than becoming defensive and arguing back (which would have been my likely reaction), or taking the other route and turning it inward and feeling guilty and ashamed. I hope your hubby was blessed by your response!
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